REDEFINING THE SP1NSTER
It’s time to reimagine this label. I am a self described SP1NSTER™. I am a 43 old woman and well beyond the usual age of marriage. I’ve never prioritized marriage. I am actually content with me. Perhaps I have a bit of Peter Pan syndrome , maybe it’s all of the experiences that I’ve had in life that have shaped my opinion on just trying to enjoying myself, learning myself understanding myself and my life instead of living in the constant pursuit of another’s.
I find it hard to talk about myself in this context. I can hear my tween nephew mocking me, then the duality of braggadocio and self doubt set in. It’s time to share this perspective.
I may seem cold, callous, coarse - like a shrew. I am not. I have relinquished the idea that romantic relationships are the ultimate form of completeness, satisfaction or happiness. I am satisfied spending time with myself - I am great company, I am a great friend, daughter, sister, aunt - I am a great many things.
I thoroughly enjoy myself - in every way possible. I am smart, thoughtful, sometimes I make myself laugh. I can enjoy the same 8 season series over and over finding a different detail in every shot. I look back on memories, good and bad that help me to make better choices as I navigate this uncertain life. I enjoy events and concerts, premiers, screenings. I people watching in the park with my iced latte, a journal or a book.
I have traveled the world solo. I’ve enjoyed theatre in London, sight seeing in Sydney, Museums in Melbourne, pastries in Paris, beaches in Mexico. I could go on and on - there is the entire world out there to experience and it’s not lost on me that some people wait to find their travel partner instead of being their own travel partner.
spinster | ˈspinstər |
noun dated or derogatory
an unmarried woman, typically an older woman beyond the usual age for marriage.
With singleness there is freedom. Yes, for women there is definitely a safety concern. But we live in America you could die in church, at school or in a grocery store so you might as well live as big and as full a life as your brain can imagine.
My singleness was reinforced during the pandemic. Families were piled onto sofas together watching Netflix and I was in a race with mold and a loaf of bread. I was single - alone. My mother took out an insurance policy because she feared I may die, alone, a spinster in my Manhattan apartment.
In a cruel twist of fate, my mother’s husband would sadly die during the same time. My mother and her husband were a couple united. Experiencing this global phenomenon together, caring for each other in every way a loving couple does. They had some fundamental differences and my mother’s individual choice was the sole reason she survived a moment that her husband would not.
What part of me being single was amiss? All of the decisions were mine. I was under no obligation to anyone. I am self sufficient and I didn’t have to ask or consider anyone but myself.
One may think this position is selfish. Consider a moment where you were beholden to someone’s every whim. Think clearly, be honest with yourself as I walk you through my logic. In that moment did you compromise? Or at any moment do you wish someone had given more consideration to your feelings? The win for me is that it’s always about me. In this moment, I was lucky to operate in service to myself in a world where women are conditioned to exist in service to everyone except themselves. How often can you say that is the truth for you?
I explored absolute autonomy, thinking critically for myself, not hearing the pitter patter of little feet but enjoying the absolute silence of my plants. After all, marriage and partnerships are a choice and sometimes people get pretty deep into that choice before they realize that it is no longer a healthy choice - maybe it never was.
Which was the hell my sister who is now divorced, endured during the same period. She was married but there was no partnership and no equal share of responsibility. Quietly she was the breadwinner, the financial strategist, chef, chief errand runner, event planner, mom-in-charge of it all, in a relatively loveless and emotionally derisive relationship. An irreparable level of betrayal would be revealed that would result in her claiming her own independence.
I began to think through all of the versions of single and how our individual experiences bring us value and truly define us. Being single is a status not to fear or to pity, we will all be single at some point in our lives. My goal is not to advocate for a life uncoupled, partnership is a beautiful experience. My goal is to re-examine the long standing idea that one must be two to be complete. To embrace the experience of being single because the relationship you have with yourself is the one relationship that you will have forever. The relationship you have with yourself should exist enthusiastically, healthily and wholly.