WOULDN’T IT BE LOVELY…
I am a self described “spinster.” By definition, I am a woman beyond the average age of marriage. I am a 44 year old New Yorker. I enjoy a very interesting, full and exuberant life. I was a flight attendant, a celebrity makeup artist in the tv/film industry at some of the coolest shows on tv, launched a global beauty brand that retailed in 22 different countries and I wrote a 2 time best selling cookbook! I am a world traveler - most of which I’ve done solo. I have a brilliant and generous friend set. I am the friend you call when you want to laugh or need to cry. I will take the train, go to the game, lay in the sun, always ready for an event revolving around food and I will always have snacks for the roadtrip. I am the fun and annoying aunt. My family knows not to call me with a problem - because I am going to the mattresses!
“Ugh, if I had a dollar for every time I am asked about a man I’d be able to close the gender-race pay gap. “
The next question is ALWAYS, “so, why don’t you have a man.” Ugh, if I had a dollar for every time I am asked about a man I’d be able to close the gender-race pay gap. The answer is because I am not pressed to have one. In fact, I was dining at an Upper East Side Italian restaurant, enjoying a lovely dinner. I nibbled on olive bread dipped in olive oil and salt flakes and conversed with the bartender. As I selected my wine the man next to me joined in on the conversation with the sommelier.
Curiously, my neighbor opened the conversation with, “it sounds like you know a lot about wines…” I don’t know a ton, but I know what I like. We continued in conversation, when he got comfortable he predictably leaned into ask why I was dining alone. “Do you have someone?” He asked curiously. When I said, “Nope. I am single.” His head tilted with bewilderment. He asked, “why, what’s wrong with these guys out here?” and then my least favorite reply to my declaration of spinsterhood, “Don’t worry. You will find someone.” To which I reply, “I am not worried. Nor am I in search.”
The thing is, I am not in search of a man. I am in search of peace, comfort - rapture. I have always been a go with the flow girl. I move where I am motivated. I have never had an aching desire to find a husband - or even a boyfriend. More than that, I am fun so when I am with someone they should be at lease as fun as I am. If I am not laughing and having a good time in the relationship what am I doing in the relationship?
I also realized each time a guy came into my life I got a little lost, there is heat and excitement but nothing more. Where is the substance and follow through, where is the communication? Ultimately, I feel less excited about what these men present to me and more like, “what do you want?” Or “why are you bothering me?”
Is it sex? Because there is a 70% orgasm gap amongst women who engage in heterosexual sex. Over cocktails, a man recently told me that he has repeatedly made women orgasm 4- 5 times in a night. Hold your laughter. I asked him if he had repeat business or regular fuck buddies to which he instantly mumbled, murmured then landed on a definitive, “No.” I laughed, gave him a look and started my own mini-sexual performance interrogation. What I was able to deduce is that he was lying or completely unaware that he was being appeased by these women.
“If all women have faked it at least once and no man has ever experienced a woman who has, go ahead and file this under boy math”
If all women have faked it at least once and no man has ever experienced a woman who has, go ahead and file this under boy math. The math just doesn’t math. Weeks later the same man suggested that I was “asexual.” I was less sure wether I should laugh or be insulted but it’s whatever you have to say to make it through the day, bro. Me not wanting to have sex with him doesn’t make me asexual but it gave me greater insight to why I wasn’t attracted to him in the first place. Asexuallity is something I’ve certainly never been accused of. I am quite certain I could have produced an evening of unforgettable and un-regrettable sex while my judgment assured me he would be unable to reciprocate. I can 100% guarantee that I can find STI-free pleasure under my weighted blanket, with my rechargeable devices, while safely nestled in my home, wrapped in a set of clean and luxurious 800 thread count sheets. I’d rather take my chances there.
I have been on incredible dates and have had some pretty spectacular experiences with guys. I continue to find men not to be a fun distraction but a disruption. I began to question myself, what I should desire and was always derailed from whatever thing I had going on.
I’ll give a seemingly normal, reasonable guy a chance and he shows me how unserious he can be. I have even given some repeated chances when they’ve come to me under the guise of growth and change. I have found it’s not so much change but a new acquisition tactic, a game to be won where ironically we both lose. I lose valuable time and said man loses a hot, smart, hilarious, self sufficient chick who wants a child free life, occasional vacations and hot sex.
Another consideration is that the men that I have met don’t know what to do with a woman they can’t exploit due to her matrimonial desire deficit. It all just fizzles because his ability to act like an asshole without consequence in hopes for the exchange of wedding ring has no affect on me. Enough about men. I have said that I love them, adore their companionship and enjoy them in the way I have been conditioned… temporarily and with caution.
“You should have all of the things you want. if that is a partner you, me AND she should have exactly what our heart’s desire.”
As the girls jump in and out of the dating pool, no matter the age or reason for their single standing I lean into hope. If you want the thing, go out and find it! You should have everything in life that you want. If that is a partner, a marriage, a vacation, a vacation home - you, me and she should have exactly what our heart’s desire. “Warm and tender as he can be. Who takes good care of me Oh, wouldn't it be lovely” and if that’s not what you find out there, just know that you can do good all by your self!
xo, LN 💋