ARE YOU LONELY OR HORNY?

Illustration by @vintagefantasymag

In a world shaped by patriarchal ideals and fairytale romances, happily single women are consistently asked reductive questions. “Aren’t you lonely?” ranks highest among these recurring inquiries.

It’s time to define lonely. There is a significant difference between the desire for deep emotional intimacy and the desire for a core-shaking orgasm. The answer is, “Yes. Yes, I am horny! I am a 44 year old woman for fuck sake! But, no. No, I am not lonely.” Let’s be clear, sex is available to every woman if she wants it. Let’s also be honest—a relationship does not guarantee a screaming orgasm, or an orgasm at all. Dare I say, a relationship doesn’t guarantee intimacy either…

“Yes. Yes, I am horny! I am a 44 year old woman for fuck sake! But, no. No, I am not lonely.”

Being single for a decade has empowered me to reclaim the word "spinster" and to create a soft place for all of the single ladies to land and celebrate joy while pushing back against the stigma of being single. I’ve dated, I have stories but nothing has ever truly materialized. Over the past 10 years, I am constantly asked if I am “lonely.” Immediately, people think that I live in a loveless and sexless vacuum. Obviously, I don’t. I often push back by appealing to their own desire for independence in contrast to the choices I’ve made that allow me to wake up and do exactly what I want, in the quiet of my own home, navigating the world at the pace and volume I desire.

I am not lonely. I am not missing out on orgasms. I am not alone. I am not the “sad, cat lady” who people imagine, I am single. My variety of interests and needs are fulfilled through a variety of outlets. Intimate friendships, casual friendships, the party friend, the spontaneous friend, the quiet coffee friend even the fitness friend. There are movies to see, theatre to enjoy, arts to consume and gardens to tend. There are adventures to be had, travel to experience (and I don’t mean jetting off to Europe. I mean the neighborhood that is a walk, bus or car ride away that you have yet to explore). There are dates, flirtatious conversations and dinners to be had, there are goals and achievements to attain, there is the promotion or the business to launch, the home to own, plants to keep alive and books to read. All of these experiences can exist without romantic partnership. When we explore other forms of fulfillment outside the ideals of traditional romantic relationships, we often confuse the void of loneliness or boredom with horniness.

you are only bored because you are boring and you are only lonely because you are not good company to yourself.

Once that question is asked and answered, the follow-up question is often accompanied by consternation, a head tilt, a lean in, and often a whisper, “But aren’t you lonely?”

Some inquirers lead with genuine curiosity, while others are more hostile in their interrogation. From my mother to a stranger dining next to me at a bar, people want to know. I understand the inquisition; society perpetuates the fairytale of being whisked into the arms of a lover experiencing a night fueled by candle light and ecstasy whilst patriarchy demands women exist only in service to their relationship status. Many women have adopted their own version of spinster-hood. Don’t get it? Think about it her this way; she is a bachelor with emotional maturity, self awareness and the financial ability and community to care for herself long-term.

“Immediately, people think that I live in a loveless and sexless vacuum…” [AND] The assumption is that being a single woman means you exist in a swirl of sadness and sexual deprivation. For millions and I mean millions of single women across the country, this does not reflect our realities.

There is a lack of imagination amongst these inquiring minds. If one considers this line of thinking imaginative. You are only bored because you are boring and you are only lonely because you are not good company to yourself. This is why it is unfathomable for many to understand that women can be fulfilled on their own. The failure of imagination that boxes single women into married or pathetic, wifey or Jezebel must come to an end. There is an undercurrent of conflict here, she is either lonely or horny and nowhere in between.

Yet the question still remains, “are you lonely?” I get it, I do. All of the mental stimulation and activity in the world won’t stop you from wanting forehead kisses, butt cheek grips, the weight of a 200-plus-pound man pressing you into a surface or just flat out getting your back blown!

Let’s keep it a buck, folks. “Lonely” is the code word for “horny.” The assumption is that being a single woman means you exist in a swirl of sadness and sexual deprivation. For millions and I mean millions of single women across the country, this does not reflect our realities. We all want it, sex is part of the human experience and so much confusion about sex is rooted in the desire for emotional intimacy vs desire for physical touch. Our worst enemy is insecurity and sheer boredom. More conflict for women is desire vs perception. She wants the sex, not the stigma. Unlike a bachelor, who will be revered for not settling and enjoying his rambunctious sex life. The spinster will be admonished, accused of being some sort of defective, bunny-boiling, trollop when she explores hers.

Unlike a bachelor, who will be revered for not settling and enjoying his rambunctious sex life. the spinster will be admonished, accused of being some sort of defective, bunny-boiling, trollop.

Society encourages women to partner with the man who fulfills needs of security and that person has to be her “everything.” We know that men are not the source of complete emotional fulfillment. Men are why brunch and happy hour are a thing. We know that fulfillment comes from many sources which is why we all need different outlets to meet our different needs and we shouldn’t be shy about making the distinction between the two. Being able to make the distinction between the desire for an emotional release or an intimate conversation is very different than wanting physical touch or a night or a weekend of wild sex. When one can navigate the two emotions this leads to healthy relationship outcomes. The expectation or demand for the person you’re engaging with for emotional support or sexual satisfaction can support you in context and self awareness makes room for clarity.