THE MODERN WIDOW
In the US, the plight of widows is often overlooked. Their struggles brushed under the rug as society fixates on the goal and seemingly evergreen benefits of marriage and remarriage. It’s so important to acknowledge the widowhood experience, the desire - or lack of to remarry among widows, and the paradoxical outcomes of marriage for women.
Among married Americans, 58% of women age 75 and older experience widowhood, compared to 28% of men. One-third of women become widows before they're 60, and half before they are 65. The average age of widowhood in the U.S. is just 59. There are and estimated 13 million widows in the U.S. and approximately 2,800 become widows each day.
“The average age of widowhood in the U.S. is just 59.”
In 2021, my family would become one of the millions of families forever changed by the pandemic. In the summer of 2021, my mother and her lovely husband were planning their retirement abroad. Late in life newlyweds, they’d spent some of the most challenging and rewarding years of their life together. They’d spent the most uncertain days of the pandemic together. Their dream vacation was postponed due to the pandemic and once they got the green-light to travel from the CDC, off they went. This vacation was like a honeymoon. Together, the lovebirds explored the new country, immersed themselves in the country’s culture then found themselves in the scariest circumstances. My mother’s husband would become gravely ill and die, on their vacation, in a foreign country. The experience for my mother was more than shocking it was traumatizing. She left the country a wife and would return a widow, carrying his ashes in her carry-on luggage. My mother’s sudden loss is like many women and like many women, her life was not over because her husband’s was. As she began to find her footing, I realized more and more that my mother is a vivacious and fun woman and she like the more than 13 million widows in the US and should not be counted out but considered a part of the active, single women population in America.
Mourning is a natural response to loss. Historically, the bereaved were expected to follow a complex set of rules in an arbitrary mourning period. Then there is this dreaded statement, “you’ll find someone else.” Gross. Read the room, it’s too soon! I heard that statement more than once. Not even in widow position, I was perplexed and insulted. There is always someone with antiquated logic suggesting women must re-enter matrimony to be whole or happy or serve a purpose but modern societal norms and evolving perceptions of marriage contribute significantly to the decisions of widowed women. A shift away from traditional expectations allows for a broader definition of fulfillment. Some women find contentment in non-traditional relationships, emphasizing companionship without the formalities of marriage.
But who says these women desire another marriage? Research indicates men are more likely to remarry after losing their spouse; more than 60% of men but less than 20% of women remarry - but for very different reasons. While the world constantly piles on the idea of partnership, some women have little desire to remarry. Widowhood, a state historically laden with societal expectations and constraints, the evolution of women's roles, legal advancements, and changing cultural attitudes have contributed to a more nuanced understanding of widowhood. In early modern societies, widows were often viewed as anomalies within patriarchal structures. While legal rights were granted, economic disabilities, cultural practices, and male relatives limited their autonomy. The image of the dependent, grieving widow persisted for centuries and now, widows are influencing societal perceptions.
Over the years, legal reforms have sought to address gender disparities and enhance the status of widows and single women. These legal changes aim to empower widows economically. Modern widowhood has seen a significant shift towards economic independence. Unlike their counterparts in earlier centuries, contemporary widows often have unlimited opportunities for education and employment.
The landscape of modern widowhood has experienced a distinctive shift, with an intriguing trend emerging — widowed women are notably less likely to remarry compared to their male counterparts. This phenomenon is multifaceted, influenced by a range of factors, including emotional readiness, financial considerations, and the enduring emotional burden of caregiving lower the likelihood of remarriage.
The pervasive societal expectation for women to assume caregiving roles throughout their lives can create a lasting impact on their attitudes toward remarriage. The emotional and physical toll of caring for a spouse, often without reciprocity, can make some widows apprehensive about re-entering a marital relationship that may entail similar responsibilities. Some widowed women, having navigated the challenges of caregiving, prioritize personal freedom and autonomy, choosing paths that allow them to explore their own desires and interests without the constraints of traditional marital roles.
“Ultimately, by opting not to remarry, widows redefine happiness on their own terms.”
And let’s face it, some widows decision to refrain from remarrying is rooted in diverse experiences and motivations. For some, the choice is influenced by the recognition that their previous marriages were unhealthy, unsafe, and unhappy. Widows who have experienced unhealthy marriages often find solace and empowerment in choosing not to remarry. This decision is a conscious effort to break free from toxic dynamics, offering a space for healing and personal growth without the burden of past relational distress. Prioritizing emotional well-being, some widows see remaining single as a means of fostering self-reflection and personal development after the toll of an unhappy marriage. Seeking independence becomes a powerful motivator, allowing these women the freedom to make decisions without the constraints of strained relationships, enabling them to rediscover their identities and pursue individual goals without compromise. The choice not to remarry is also a protective measure for those who have faced unsafe relationships, as it reflects a conscious decision to prioritize personal safety and well-being.
Ultimately, by opting not to remarry, widows redefine happiness on their own terms, underscoring a commitment to creating a fulfilling life outside the traditional confines of marriage and emphasizing that happiness can be found in diverse relationships and personal achievements. For many, widowhood is not a problem to solve but a life to be lived. This decision is a testament to the strength, resilience, and commitment to personal well-being displayed by these widows, and society's understanding and celebration of their choices contribute to a more empathetic and supportive environment. The presence of robust social support networks also plays a crucial role. Close-knit connections with friends, family, and the broader community often provide emotional fulfillment, reducing the perceived necessity of entering into a traditional marital relationship for companionship and support.
“for many, widowhood is not a problem to solve but a life to be lived.”
The evolution of modern widowhood reflects broader societal changes, including legal reforms, economic empowerment, and shifting cultural attitudes. As we move away from historical stereotypes, it is essential to recognize the diversity of widows' experiences and foster supportive environments that enable them to lead fulfilling and independent lives. Through continued advocacy, education, and empathy, we can contribute to a more inclusive society that celebrates the resilience, strength and the choices of widows in the modern era.